Decisions, decisions... and what if you decide wrong?

When I came to Warsaw for the summer, on the 20th July, I was feeling really depressed. Not excluded all of it was just a result of 4 months sitting alone at home. However, this fact didn't necessarily has to be the only reason. Anyways, when I came, I was sure I need to do something about it, I need to talk to a psychologist or someone like that. The day I had to go there, I changed my mind. And then, I don't know when, the whole summer passed. An d it was a good summer. One of the best I've lived since I'm not a kid. One of best 'teenager-me' vacations. Somehow I forgot about my worries and just had fun. Everything has gone back to normal.
Till now.
I went to my gran's today and I wanted to take my old school notebooks. The ones from the first three months of school , when I was still in Poland. I found out there are no pages in most of them, no written pages, I mean, because all of them were full of pages...blank pages. I asked my grandma if she tore out the pages. She said yes. The reason was, she didn't want these notebooks to get wasted. Wasted?! It would be wasted if I learned from it?! Remember form it?! Come back to the time everything was simpler?!
All this days I tried my best to write pretty, all this work I've done for the notebooks so I can simple learn from it. All the memories...all the drawings, I used to drew when I got bored on the lessons...
Everything was gone.
I started crying. I just couldn't stand this anymore. Grandma didn't even apologize. While crying I was screaming. I was screaming at her, I was screaming at my loss, I was screaming at lost wisdom, but most of all I was screaming at myself. My words, supposedly directed to her, were my inside-head scream. 'Cause I finally realized what I lost. Pity of moving to London was in my mind a lon time ago, but now I felt it stronger. I felt it like it could destroy me.

Clock is ticking. I need to finally decide, where I wanna be. Which place choose to stay for two months, before me and my mother move to US.
London, where it rains really often, where I have only few friends, not very much liked by me, but where I can finally talk in the language I love, everyday?
Warsaw, the place of my birth, the place of my childhood, the place where I have many many friends and with every few months even more? The place I hated half of my life? The place I have no chance to become famous actress to be known by everyone?
Or maybe Paris, the city I've been two years ago. The city of love. City of the language french, which I don't know, at all, but I can learn it a bit in the time I will stay. The possibility, which offered me a friend of my mom, promising to look after me while I'm there, as she lives in Meudon with her 12-year old daughter, my childhood friend. I wouldn't be able to live with them, as they have really small house, but we would see each other twice a week. My mom would need to travel there with me first. Because of this, that option seems the least possible of them all.
I have a muddle in my mind. / My head is messed up (which sounds better?)
Anyway, I REALLY don't know what to do. To make matters worse, my past is running after me, making me not able to make a decision.
I would really do anything to turn back in time.

Books, Sweets, Television

So here is the first diary update.
For the first time in my life I will try to describe emotions, not happenings. If it works or not, decide yourself.
I came to Poland more than one month ago now. I don't feel like going back to England. It is the place where I had to be alone. Alone for months. And maybe because of this hard time few months ago, right now, every time someone leaves my house, just after few minutes, I feel like it's been a week or more. I feel alone and I can't do anything about it.
I meet my friends, of course. One of them even came to my house for 4 days. I didn't feel that lonely when she was here, of course. But she left. She travelled back home, to Toruń, yesterday, and my irrational desire to have someone in my house came back. My mom's in London, my gran is crazy, and I live alone in this stupid house of mine. Wouldn't you feel lonely? I make more and more parties, but neighbours complain, my boy friend's mom keeps telling me that and I don't know if I am that happy myself. Every time I fel alone and there is no one who can come my house (and it doesn't happen very often) I take a book and I swim into another world to meet with people from different time periods, different countries, or just witches, wizards, werewolves or vampires. I explore different cultures and places. I explore different worlds.
Sometimes it helps. But not always. When it doesn't help, the only option is to take a bunch of big, milky chocolate, cake or any other sweet, and eat it, eat it, eat it. 'Cause the food is best medicine for everything. Your favourite food. And favourite tv series, like The Vampire Diaries, which I love. Yes, trying to short it: if you feel lonely, and your friends are actually not able to come, try my method BST - Books, Sweets, Television. Or simple call them by phone.
I meet my friends every day and still, when they leave, I start feeling lonely. Look what the stupid London done to me. Haha. Thank God, there are such a things as yummy cakes, and delicious books.

Start

How should I start? I'm a simple girl from small country in Europe - Poland No I wouldn't start it like that. Not because it's boring. Not because it sounds creepy. I'm just not a simple girl and I don't see Poland as my homeland. Because, you see, feelings are more important than facts. And my feelings are telling me that my homeland, motherland, fatherland, whatever you call that, is United States.
Hobby? Hmm, books, acting, books, acting, books...well, sometimes I feel like drawing something or writing.
Guess how old am I? You can call me a teenager, but I feel a lot more mature than that...or sometimes a lot more childlish. Okay, I'm stubborn, childlish and mature, confident and shy, crazy, nice, weird.

Wil it be my diary? I hope so. I hope my posts won't bore you, so I can have this blog as a million of people, as my diary. But if it gets boring, it will stop exist, or I will change the subject. To be honest, I'm not even sure about the subject right now. It will come itself. It will come to me and to you. In the least expected moment.